i havent been on here in a while; && tonight i really just needed to write && get everything off my chest. 
i had a conversation tonight with my best friend nick about the relationship that he && i have. ive known for a few weeks now that he likes me more than just a friend…but ive def. been skeptical. ive been single for almost 3 years now, && even throughout those years ive dealt with some real assholes. i have always heard the line “maybe later down the road…”  && thats exactly what i heard tonight. everything started out fine…but drastically changed from one second to another. i know people say that the best relationships last when its with your best friend, but what i wanna know is what happens when it fails? not only are you losing a lover, but your losing your best friend. two things in MY life that i would never want to lose. but with nick, i guess things are different. i WANT to take that risk, see where things go. he on the other hand wants to take things slow && play it safe. i know he cares about me && thats why hes doing this..but now i feel that since ive expressed myself, im jeopardizing everything. hes everything that i want in a guy && more. when will it be my turn to truly be happy? im not asking for my prince charming to ride up on a white horse && whisk me away. i just want someone who truly cares about me && my well-being, NOT just sex. is it only me or does that seem impossible these days to ask for a real life gentlemen?

its scaring me that every time i get in my car to go to work;

im praying i get hit by a car. 

&& not survive -__-

rip bailey;

its been one hell of a month. i lost the love of my life; bailey, two saturdays ago. he was only 11 years old. i havent been able to deal with it the way i should be able to. my brother left for nyc the night that we put bailey down, so its just been me and my mom. i feel like i need to be strong for her, and its only led me to tonight. a total break down. i just started crying, and couldnt stop. im sooo stressed out about everything in life right now…that im at the point of giving up. and i DONT give up.  

i just started a new job…and its been going pretty well…but this past weeek; ive been yelled at, had things thrown at me and people talking down to me. my manager just laughs at it and moves on. im cracking piece by piece…and its only a matter of time where i just lose it all together. i really need to try and find some time for myself; really just take a vacation and have it be all about me. no one else. but i have the heart of a caregiver and i cant just leave my family like that. which in a way is a problem. 

but for tonight, im gunna go crawl into bed with my mommy, try and get some sleep so i hopefully feel better tomorrow. goodnight. xoxo

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WHY IS IT THAT MY GUY FRIENDS THINK I CANT HANDLE A SIMPLE HOOK UP?! LIKE IM GOING TO FALL FOR EVERY GUY JUST BECAUSE HE KISSES ME. NAHHH FOOL YOU AINT THAT FUCKING SPECIAL. GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF!!!!